This is a tough topic for me and I’ve struggled with the question of whether I should tackle it on my blog. When I made the decision to do the blog, I also made a commitment to be honest. That doesn’t mean, however, that I have to ‘spill every bean’ in the bag. Some things are meant to be kept private.
What I can tell you is this. Although I loved the work I did, I worked at a very stressful job and in a very stressful and somewhat unpleasant work environment. Since I started this job, I have struggled with increasing bouts of migraine headaches and progressively worsening anxiety and depression, resulting in my currently being on medical leave and completing the paperwork for medical retirement for work-induced anxiety and stress.
I have been under my doctor’s care and the number of medications and dosages I’ve been taking have been steadily increasing.
An effect of this illness is my living a hermit life-style. I rarely leave the house as the thought of doing so causes anxiety. I suffer frequent anxiety attacks ranging from a vague feeling of dread to severe rapid heart rate, faintness and fear. The first time I had a severe attack, I thought I was having a heart attack.
Luckily, I have a wonderful husband and two great kids (young adults but I still call them kids) who help me as much as they possibly can and there are no words to express my appreciation for them.
The thought of returning to work brought bouts of anxiety and some physical symptoms of illness. At one time, I thought I might be able to return, but one thing I am grateful for is that this time on leave has provided me with the opportunity to reassess and consider my future. I’ve come to accept that I will likely never return to work. If I’m unable to cope with people in social situations, it’s pretty much guaranteed that I will never be able to deal with the people, stresses and frustrations of a workplace.
I am thoroughly enjoying my blogging and because of this I think I could do some contract administrative work at home and I’ve tried to find such. Despite what you may think, though, there is nothing out there. Those that I did get a response from were scams.
I would be very happy to know that my touching on matters such as this is helpful to others. I can’t tell you how difficult this is, considering the negative connotation sometimes attached to depression, but I’d like to think I am educating people about this illness and its effects.